Remembering

Last Sunday we decorated our Christmas tree.

Each year, decorating the tree is like opening up a photo album or journal and reliving memories- you see, my mom started a tradition way back when we were children where she and Dad would give each of us an ornament commemorating the year that we'd just gone through. When we left home and started out on our own, she'd pack up a box of these ornaments for us to start our own trees with. It's been one of the most precious gifts she's given to us, and I love "remembering" each year.

There's the tassel from the year I graduated high school, the apple ornament from the year I started teaching, the Celtic Cross from the year I went to Ireland, the globe from the year I backpacked through Europe and N. Africa, the bride from the year LeGrande and I married...and so many more.

LeGrande and I have carried the tradition on, usually picking up an ornament from anywhere we travel. This year, we added another ornament to our tree. A rustic, simple snowflake...one that will not stand out to anyone except us...one that will forever have a most special spot on our tree.

The snowflake ornament is for our first baby, "LePetite", who we lost to miscarriage at 9 weeks on May 14th of this year. His or her due date is tomorrow- December 15, 2008. I've been dreading this day for the last 7 months...knowing it would come but hoping it wouldn't...but time has a way of going on. Each month as the 15th approached, I knew I was one month closer to the day we were supposed to meet our firstborn, a day that would not come with that pregnancy. Our little one left almost as quickly as he or she entered our lives, but left a forever mark on our hearts.

A friend of mine writes songs, and after he and his wife lost their first baby to miscarriage, he wrote a song comparing their little one to a snowflake...unique and beautiful but only to remain in the world for a short time-a miracle nonetheless. One line in the song asks the question "Were you just too small to live in this world? Or was the world too small for you?" The song has been a part of my healing as I wonder what happened to make our little one leave so quickly but also think about how he or she is in heaven, and more alive than any of us in this small world.

Even though I am pregnant again- with a lively, healthy baby boy whose kicks constantly remind me that he's about to enter our lives in 3 1/2 months, I still find that I have to grieve this day. I don't think Jack minds...he'll experience grief one day too and it's better if he is taught even now that it's okay to grieve and not deny it.

I wrote in the pregnancy journal that I kept for LePetite today, remembering through these past 9 months and thanking him or her for the great big brother or sister he or she was...because without going through his or her life and death, we might not have experienced the Father's love and goodness to us amidst the darkness of loss- a love that has deepened our faiths and trust in Him more than any other; the growth and intimacy in our marriage that we have; and the hope that all things work together for good for those of us who love God. It's humbling to think that 50 days of life in utero can be used for this much good. What a life. I pray that we can live and teach Jack Owen the things we've experienced and learned from the gift of LePetite.

Each year at Christmas, I'll pull out the little snowflake and put it in a special spot on the tree. I will remember our first miracle who came into and out of our lives like a snowflake. I will wonder what might have been. I might shed a few tears- tears both of the sorrow of earth and the promise of heaven. Most of all, I will be grateful for being LP's mom and for all we learned from him.